Sandra Lee is Food's Natural Enemy

I know in the past I have expressed hatred for a certain Food TV biddy but Rachael is not the most evil force in the culinary world – that title belongs to one Mrs Sandra Lee. Officially Sandra specializes in creating “short cuts” for busy women (Sandra lives in some patriarchal wonderland where men don’t even know what a kitchen is) who want to serve “gourmet” meals to their WASP-y friends. In reality she specializes in offending the taste buds of everyone in America while feeding her alcoholism. Sandra’s shows usually center on some inane party theme -- she’s always having the “girls” over for cosmo night or her niece and nephew over for a slumber party. Every episode includes at least one cocktail recipe (Beer-garitas anyone?) and ends with a “tablescape” (like landscape but for the table! Best ever: the NASCAR themed “Racetrack Tailgate” tablescape that included CAR ENGINE PARTS as decoration -- if only I could find a picture.). Someone at Food TV needs to step in and discourage Sandra from cultural themes before they become the Abercrombie of the broadcast world. Which brings us to tonight’s challenge.

The best (where best = most offensive) Sandra Lee episode ever is the Holiday Show where Sandra makes a Christmas Crescent Cake, a Classic Holiday Wreath, Sugar Plum Pops and, in a nod to her African American sisters, a Kwanzaa Celebration Cake. Like all of Sandra’s shows the entire episode is an exercise in surreal hilarity but it’s the Kwanzaa cake that makes you Tivo the repeat and force everyone you know to watch as Sandra Lee turns a pile of processed food into the most offensive creation since Nazi lamshades.

On a whim one night last week Gillian and I decided that we must “bake” this cake and share the experience with you, our dear readers. Shockingly no cocktails were involved in this decision making process (we will not repeat that mistake).

Kwanzaa Celebration Cake

Recipe courtesy "Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Desserts", Miramax Books, 2003.

1 (10 to 12-ounce) purchased angel food cake
1 container (16 ounce) vanilla frosting
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 (21-ounce) container apple filling or topping
1 (1.7-ounce) package corn nuts
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
1/2 cup popped popcorn

Special Equipment:
Kwanzaa candles

Using a serrated knife, cut cake horizontally into 2 layers. Place bottom cake layer, cut side up, on a serving platter. Mix frosting, cocoa powder, vanilla, and cinnamon in large bowl until combined. Spread about 1/4 of the frosting over top of cake layer on platter. Top with second cake layer, cut side down. Spread remaining frosting evenly over top and sides of cake to coat completely. Spoon apple pie filling into hole in center of cake. Place candles atop cake. Sprinkle top of cake with some corn nuts, pumpkin seeds, and popcorn. Sprinkle remaining corn nuts and pumpkin seeds around base of cake.

Things that are wrong with this recipe:

1. The obvious: corn nuts? WTF? Seriously. WTF? Even better: on the show she keeps calling these acorns.
2. Why did she go to so much effort to make the cake brown? I have a sneaking suspicion that Sandra thought “well, people who celebrate Kwanzaa are brown, they probably like brown things!” I’m surprised she didn’t incorporate watermelon and fried chicken into the cake.
3. Anyone who has seen Sandra’s show knows she’s obsessed with filling the hole in store bought angel food cakes. This seems to suggest some sexual frustration on Sandra’s part.

Gillian and I completed our challenge tonight but I’m holding off on the official blow by blow until she has emailed me photographic evidence. I will, however, say this: crunching into a corn nut when your mind is thinking “cake” will trigger the gag and giggle reflexes simultaneously.

Update: Read about the horror in detail here.