Techniques of Fine Cooking: Entry 5 (The Last Supper)

Our original (and superior) instructor returned for the last class (*sniff*) and with him came recipe variations, exasperated sighing and cooking everything on our own (yeah!) but first he was subject to much eye rolling during the discussion of last week's debacle (Only $115! Now with eggs!). He started the class by reviewing what we (supposedly) learned last week by going over the key questions from the course book. It went like this:

Instructor: What is blah blah eggs blah blah?
Class: *chirp* *eye roll* *shrug*
Instructor: Didn't you do blahblah last week?
Class: *shakehead* *stifflegiggle*

I haven't tattled on a substitute teacher in years -- I suddenly feel like sneaking out of class early to get a cactus cooler from the vending machine and moan about the injustices of required PE credits.

The last class provided what was probably the healthiest meal -- we had at leas 11 vegetable side dishes and the london broil was grilled with very little added fat. We did devote a considerable amount of time to making multiple versions of mayonnaise but those calories don't count because they're just in a condiment, condiments are free.

The Menu

French Crudites

As our instructor said, "The French are better than us. Americans would just throw some cut up vegetables on a plate and call it a day but the French are much fancier." Too true (to both fancier and better than us). We had quite a spread of vegetables from this exercise, my team made fennel with a toasted fennel seed vinaigrette and cucumbers with creme fresh and fines herbs neither of which were particularly memorable tasting but they looked pretty and got eaten.

This exercise also had us making mayonnaise which I was looking forward to because I thought it highly likely that homemade mayonnaise was about 8000 time more yummy than store bought. Turns out they taste pretty much the same -- though we did add some toasted curry to one version and grated apple and horseradish to another to create some fancy variations (the curry version was particularly good on the steak). Making the mayo was fun as you go from "man this is a lot of fucking whisking, I'm tired" to "oh my god it's mayonnaise!" in roughly 3 minutes which feels a whole lot like magic. (I'm really just guessing on the feeling here, we made our hot little Broadway actor friend do most of the manual labor but watching his muscles flex certainly *looked* like magic -- magic plus a fattening condiment = heaven).

Vegetables a la Grecque

I know this just looks like a boring bowl of cauliflower with parsley sprinkled on it (I learned a lot about sprinkling parsley in the last few weeks) but really it's an awesome taste explosion. Grecque vegetables (which, like everything else are really French not Greek) are cooked in a court bouillon (see? French. That means short boiling) which is basically wine, olive oil, herbs and a dash of yum. As with the crudites there were multiple versions of this delicacy but the cauliflower was by far my favorite.

London Broil or Flank Steak with Spice Rub

Action shot! it was just ask good as it looks and has me contemplating a cast iron grill pan (not one of those little ones but a big old daddy of pan that would span two burners and have a smooth side (pancakes!) and a grill side -- apparently they're only like $40). The official recipe in the course book was for a traditional london broil but because our instructor is awesome he let us choose either the traditional version or a latin spice rub version. My team did the rub and this is a huge improvement on my typical flank steak for fajitas recipe -- I'll be excited to try this out when there are grilled peppers and onions, fresh guacamole and warm corn tortillas available.

Grilled Vegetables

This was yummy but seemed like a silly thing to teach in a class -- you slice veggies and throw them on the grill -- ta-da! This recipe did give me a chance to play around with a mandolin which I have been coveting for some time now because I am very impressed by the satisfyingly thin and symmetrical slices. The device does put the fear of cutting off my fingers in the forefront but I like to be perceived as a bit of a bad ass and this might be my only chance.

Flambed Fruit

Ok so I realize that I look like a complete freak in this picture but that is just evidence of how fun playing with fire is. Not only does it make me look like a freak (normally I'm quite beautiful and photogenic) but it makes me willing to share this look with the internet. Flambe: the cause of and cure for all self esteem problems. That's instructor Lorne looking on disapprovingly -- see why I was so happy to have him back?

This dessert was more showy than tastey -- we served the flambed peaches and apricots over vanilla ice cream so I obviously ate all of it but I didn't swoon like I had with the souffles or the mouse. Because we got a bit screwed with the souffle making last week Lorne had one of the teams make a fat free banana souffle which was really quiet yummy -- I'll have to request the recipe.

Observations

1. I am a huge dork (official evidence item #70009): I initiated a 5 minute discussion with the class about the angle we should turn the meat to get perfect grill marks. The course book said to turn the meat 45 degrees and the instructor said to visualize moving the meat from 10 to 2 on a clock. I voiced a concern about the fact that this would be a 120 degree angle, not a 45 degree angle. I began explaining how to calculate the degrees and my little math class was going swimmingly until Kajal snickered "Brianna was a mathlete." Then everyone else looked at me in shock, thinking (I assume) "but you seem *SO* cool and hot! I would never have pegged you as a competitive mathematician."
   
2. An awesome side benefit to this cooking class has that I am finally being recognized as a food photographer protege. Seriously, my photography skillz when it comes to edible products are amazing. A couple of my classmates even commented that I make food look better in pictures than in real life. This is quite shocking since all of my photographs of people imply that pretty much everyone I know is blurry and badly lit.
3. Techniques of Fine Cooking 1: Totally worth $575 (seriously). Now I'm just biding time until I can come up with an excuse to sign up for Techniques of fine Cooking 2.
   

Techniques of Fine Cooking: Entry 4 (The Perfect Protien)

The Menu

I love themes. I'm a big fan of dress up parties. I often consider making playlists around ridiculous categorizations like like "songs with state names in their title." So you would think that a class entirely devoted to one ingredient would be an awesome opportunity for me to dress in white pants and a yellow shirt and break out the jingles about eggs but somehow it just didn't work. At the end of the class when I sat down to a plate of eggs eggs and more ovum I felt vaguely ill -- eggs are heavy and need to be balanced with some other food stuffs (ideally crispy potatoes, a huge bloody mary, a scone with home made jelly, and a few sprinkles of lobster meat... I really need to go back to brunch at Applewood). However, while they didn't make for a great meal all together most of the recipes in the class were very good and I am certain that I will now be able to completely wow the next young man to show up in boxers in my kitchen on a Saturday morning (now taking reservations!).

We had a substitute instructor for this class who had an entirely different teaching style. He did a lot more demonstrating and a lot less lecturing which sounds better than it turned out to be. The lack of lecturing left me with no notes on this class so I suspect it may be difficult to recreate the recipes at home and the constant demonstrating often led to watching instead of doing. I think most of the other students considered the sub a step up personality wise -- he was easy with the compliments and forced his assistants to do all of the grunt work(cleaning our stations, watching sauces boil, mixing the instructor's drinks). I have to admit that I missed the feeling of accomplishment that comes from creating a totally edible meal despite the stifled giggles, raised eyebrows and taunting coming from the teacher. The substitute assigned an assistant to each of the tables to help us make all of our dishes (well, except for the ones he made entirely for us like the red wine sauce...) which was kind of nice as there was always someone available to answer questions. He also told us exactly what to do so we didn't have to plan out the production of the meal. This made for a fairly laid back class where everyone got to have a hand in making every dish (as opposed to previous classes where the task divisions often left some people married to losers like braised celery for the entire evening) but I missed the hustle and bustle.

Omelet with Fines Herbs

These may look a little sad but I promise you they were pretty awesome. These are French style omelets, which means they're much less well done than what you're typically offered at Denny's. I think a lot of Americans would balk at just how runny the eggs were when we took them out of the pan but it made for a very creamy mouth feel and so far I seem to be salmonella free.

Salad Nicoise

WOW. I know it just looks like mounds of somewhat boring ingredients but this salad is amazing. The eggs, potatoes, tuna, and olives all work together to give you this creamy salty crunchy little explosion of utopia in your mouth. This was incredible easy (and could be made easier by not peeling the tomatoes and eliminating the string beans) and seems pretty healthy -- I may go on a nicoise salad kick next week (which means I'll eat it every single day until I'm so sick of it that the mere thought of further consumption will leave me retching... this is how I often ruin food for myself).

Poached Eggs in Red Wine Sauce

It looks pretty but I was skeptical of this recipe from the start -- red wine and eggs? eww. Unlike many of the other students I like soft eggs -- I think oozing yolk is just another term for yummy dip for my bread (in fact as a child I used to call over easy eggs "dippin' eggs!"). So while a bit hesitant I was open to the concept of this recipe but ultimately the sauce kind of ruined things. I was able to finish one egg without gagging like a few of my dining partners but with every bite I thought, "Poor wasted wine, I could have made you into a nice spritzer."

Chocolate Souffle

This is the recipe I was most excited about. I've never made a souffle before mostly due to cooking urban legends that claim that in order to do so your entire house must be devoid of sound. I live a rock and roll life style that refuses to be silenced by the likes of a rich desert. Also I like to have Engaged and Underage on at full volume while I cook (clad in the light of a 17 year old marrying a 25 year olf boy with a slight addiction to meth all of my cooking mistakes just melt away). The souffles turned out amazing, unfortunately I don't think I can take any credit for this outcome. During souffle preperation our assigned assistant stood guard at the dueling kitchenaides and wouldn't really let any of the students get in on the egg whipping action. i'm tempted to try making a savory souffle as this week's homework but I'm not sure if I can afford to risk the effects of more eggs and butter on my thighs.

Observations

1. Clarified butter, where have you been my whole life? Making our omelets in a pan coated with this magic lubricant resulted in a perfectly yellow surface with no ugly brown bits (well, except for that one that I over cooked...). The instructor demonstrated a sunny side up egg, an over easy egg and scrambled eggs and all were beautiful as well. When I expressed my awe he offered to help me make a pot of clarified butter to take home so now i have 8oz chillin' in the fridge and another 24 ready in the freezer -- I really should plan a brunch to show off my skillz.

2. Tuna in a jar! Apparently somewhere in the word they sell tuna in oil in a resealable jar -- this is brillant and I must find a source as currently I can't really finish an entire can of tuna and don't wanna keep an open can in the fridge stinking up my milk.

3. I had heard that we'd learn to make french style scrambled eggs in this class. This involves using a double boiler and stirring the eggs into almost a custard like consistency (like described here) -- I'm sad that this didn't happen since apparently this makes for an awesome dish. I'll have to make a point of trying this on my own.

4. 4 weeks of class and every menu had a salad on it. I can now make a vinaigrette with my eyes close, both legs hobbled and a dagger through my heart.

Techniques of Fine Cooking: Entry 3 (Starring Braised Celery!)

The Menu

Mussels Steamed in White Wine or Thai Mussels with Red Curry

YUM. I love mussels and I especially love mussels that come with bread and lots of juice for dipping bread in. This is why I was only able to eat 1/3 of my main plate of food. I don't think I've ever made mussels and this is a huge shame because they are super easy and super yummy -- mostly I think I'm afraid of purchasing any food that is given to me while still alive. The instructor claims that I can make mussel salad out of the left over mussels tomorrow night, which I think might be a trap to kill me off before I ask him another nit-picky question about the difference between Italian and American pine nuts or clarification on the meaning of the word insipid or annoy him with my insistance that everything must be photographed (Also: The mussels were from PEI -- something at least one of my readers will be happy about).

Braised Lamb Shanks with Juniper Berries and Rosemary

Yum again! this recipe truly illustrated the beauty of braising and gives me new ways to use my beautiful new(ish) Le Crueset dutch oven. Call it laziness but I love any meat that fall off of the bone. This is also a nice use for juniper berries, which (in addition to American pine nuts) grow wild near my home town. The instructor said that juniper berries also work well with game (Mom and Dad: Pay attention! you have game and juniper berries! I expect both to be featured in my next welcome home meal. Also: I am now demanding welcome home meals.).

Braised Leeks/Celery/Endive

My group was lucky enough to get assigned the awesome celery in this little exercise in squeezing all the crunchy fun out of vegetables. The instructor didn't do much to sell this situation -- he immediately offered us the option of choosing what mussel variety we wanted to make (we took the standard French variety) as advanced payment for suffering through the celery pain. Because I am a task master who doesn't really trust other people to get shit done most of the celery pain was felt by me (this is probably fair. I should learn to count on people, anyone wanna do some trust falls with me after Mathletes?). So I spent TWO HOURS making soggy celery. Amazingly this dish includes both bacon and booze and yet still fails to be anything but bland. I forced everyone on my team (and Kajal) to eat it and like it *shakes fist.* Most claimed that it was surprisingly "not that bad."

Incidentally: Braised Leeks? kind of awesome. (notably more awesome than the endive which is especially shocking since we coated the endive in cheese).

Warm Lentil Salad

My team didn't participate in making this salad so I feel no qualms about dissing it. The instructor warned us during prep that the salad had a tendency to be a bit bland and that we should taste it at the end and add more vinegar or even some hot sauce to improve the flavor -- I suspect this wasn't done.

Belgian Endive Salad with Shallot Vinaigrette

Were you wondering what I was doing in the 30mins when I was not working on "Celery Does Not Make a Good Side Dish Unless it is Smothered in Peanut Butter"? I was julienning an INSANE amount of endive! Despite the ridiculous amount of time spent chopping this the salad was pretty yummy even though it was just endive with salad dressing. The crunchy bitterness of the envide was a great contrast to the otherwise soft and homey meal.

Chocolate Mousse

Each of the three teams made a variation on this recipe, we added amaretto, one team added kahlua and the third team added kirsch. This recipe expertly illustrated the theory of relativity. Had I been served any of these desserts alone I would have happily licked the bowl clean (chocolate + cream + liquor? Who can complain?) but having all three to taste made it clear that all mousse is not created equal. While I thought the flavor of our amaretto chocolate mousse to be the best the texture was notably grainy and stiff -- we had obviously over whipped the cream or over folded when combining chocolate and cream. The kahlua version was amazingly light and smooth -- clearly one of the teams had a lot less anger to work out. I didn't actually take part in much of the mousse making (See: celery is awesome when cooked for 2 hours) so I obviously cannot be blamed for the cream and/or chocolate abuse. I'm going to try to come up with an excuse (it's March 28th! time for mousse!) to make chocolate mousse at home later this week in an effort to combine perfect texture and taste.

Observations

1. Cooking is kind of zen. I have a really hard time shutting off my mind and just being. I realized last night that I can get into a bit of a cooking groove where I am not using up 20% of my mind thinking about work or obsessing over what I wore yesterday or making lists of things to do over the weekend. My therapist is going to throw me a party when I mention this.

2. You may not know this but I am a big fan of efficiency -- the amount of time I spend thinking about ways to speed up my commute or multitask while getting ready for work ("If i could just combine putting on my socks with brushing my teeth I could sleep for 5 more minutes!") is truly shocking. This little personality flaw serves me well when it comes to pretending I'm a chef!

3. Cooking is DIRTY! Overheard while in cooking class: "Oh wait, the tip slipped out."And then there's that picture on the left (that's Joey of "hot gay boy" fame.).

For more cooking goodness see Kajal's blog here.

Techniques of Fine Cooking, Class 2

The Menu

Arborio Chicken soup with Escarole

For this we learned how to make chicken stock – something I’m already well versed in but should really do more often. I did appreciate the instructions for “quick” chicken stock and how to turn your chicken stock into a glace. The instructor told us that we can put a pot of chicken pieces and water on the stove before going to bed and wake up to finished stock, I suspect he may have omitted the part where I wake up in the hospital with third degree burns covering my body.

Rosemary Roast Chicken

I had some chicken roasting experience but I learned a lot from this practice. I am now very much wishing for an expensive heavy duty roasting pan. We also got a lesson in the very messy art of chicken carving. I have to admit that in the past my version of carving has been closer to gnawing meat off of bone but I now feel fairly confident about my abilities to present my guests with some very pretty looking poultry.

Baked Stuffed Tomatoes Provencale

This recipe was a bit bland, probably owing to the out of season tomatoes. I’m planning to practice the vegetable roasting techniques later this week, as our class materials include some interesting options (including roasted artichokes and corn).

Brown and Wild Rice Pilaf

This dish was awesomely constructed almost entirely by Miss Kajal who rocked it. I try to use brown rice as often as possible but have to admit that it often tastes a little like cardboard this pilaf recipe is the anti-cardboard.

French Style Spinach Salad with Bacon, Mushrooms and Curry Vinaigrette

Another big winner – I don’t usually like raw spinach or mushrooms and the idea of curry flavored salad dressing was less than appealing. Either all of these elements can be redeamed with proper technique or adding bacon makes everything palatable! We used slab bacon which was cooked on a rack in the oven so we could all pretend it was healthy.

Clafouti

The dessert whose name I will never be French enough to pronounce was awesome. The batter was incredibly easy to prepare and resulted is a moist and impressive looking cake. The recipe could be made with a variety of fruit options -- our team used blueberries and the other two teams make cherry and apple versions and all were yum-a-rific.

My Observations

1. I am a huge liar. Periodically throughout the cooking class our instructor will ask if I have completed some step in the recipe. He will only ask this when it is too late to correct any mistake and often the “step” he refers to is something he made up on the spot just to torment me. “Have you salted your sauce?” “Did you add the herbs to the soup?” “Did you remember to mix me a martini?” In all of these cases the answer is almost always no (usually because I forgot the step but sometimes because a girl can’t afford to share her vodka). If I hadn’t been practicing the "fake it til you make it" philosophy for 29 years I might be capable of answering honestly but in reality I can only managed to slur “of course!” and avert my eyes.
2. Sauces as hard. At first I felt like a failure when the sauce for our chicken was pronounced insipid by the instructor (after I half lied about tasting it by claiming that another team member *TOTALLY* tasted it). But then he proceeded to call all of the sauces insipid (he’s got a bit of a Gordon Ramsey mean guy thing going on but it mostly works for him) and our sauce the LEAST insipid. GO TEAM! I’m not sure what we could have done to improve on the sauce – we probably could have used some extra reduction time and we did somehow manage to lose our herb butter between the soup course and sauce preparation but the other teams had herb-y reduced sauces that also tasted weak. When making a sauce at home my answer to lack of flavor is usually to add butter or booze but the sauce in question already had both so I’m all out of ideas.

Techniques of Fine Cooking -- Cooking Up Some Harsh Reality

After a good year of hemming and hawing over the (admittedly shocking) price tag I finally signed up for the Fine Cooking class at the Institute of Culinary Education as a reward for my promotion in November. The class is every Monday night for 5 weeks from 6pm-11pm -- here's what they're promising me:

These are the classes on which our recreational program’s reputation was built. Over 15,000 students have taken this series. Once you master essential cooking techniques, you possess the culinary grounding to cook both classical cuisines and the latest cooking styles. These full-participation classes teach fundamental skills, not recipes. Instead of narrowly focusing on a roast duckling recipe, for example, you’ll master roasting techniques that can be applied to foods from fish to fruit. The curriculum was designed under the guidance of Director of Education Richard Simpson. You’ll learn all the important cooking methods, from simple grilling to mousse making. As you advance through the series, you’ll gradually come to understand each cooking concept. You’ll have a firm grasp of ingredients and equipment; you’ll know why things happen and how to avoid and correct mistakes. Most importantly, you’ll gain the experience you need to cook with confidence and pleasure---without relying strictly on recipes. Each class culminates with a student-prepared meal. Each course consists of five five-hour classes. Fine Cooking 1 is a prerequisite to Fine Cooking 2.

They also give you free wine. They must think I can't possibly drink $575 worth of wine in a mere 5 weeks. Fools. The first class was last night and it delivered on this and so much more....

The Menu

3 Variations on Gazpacho
Sauteed Broccoli
Pomme Persillade
Sauteed Lamb Chops with Herb Butter
Simple Salad with Vinaigrette Dressing
Fresh Fruit Masurated with Liqueur

My Observations

1. If you're looking to meet a bunch of adorable gay Broadway actors might I suggest a Monday night cooking class in Manhatten? (for those out of the theatre loop: Monday night is Broadway's dark night so all of the actors can roam free) . I am a bit saddened that all of the cute boys appear to be eyeing only each other but I did meet one who knows the hot boy from Spelling Bee (whose homosexuality is now confirmed :() and he hinted that we should all go out sometime which would be awesome because it I love nothing more than taunting myself with yummy eye candy that I can never taste.
   
2. I am ridiculously lazy. When a recipe suggests that I chop some vegetables, especially when said chopping is further described using the words "small" and "dice," I am immediatly transported back to age 15, my eyes roll deep into my cerebellum, I make that short little exasperated sighing noise, I slouch, I can hardly keep from bringing up how hot Brandon Walsh looked in his board shorts and oakleys. "Oh god," I think, "this could take as much as thirty seconds! Probably it's fine if I hack the potato in quarters and call it a day." Turns out actually chopping things into the suggested size improves recipes!
3. I am kind of dense when it comes to really basic knowledge. I can make random unnecessary things like olive bread and ginger ale and klesla and chioppino but I've been struggling with why my broccoli can't stand up to what I order from generic Chinese take out. The answer? Blanching. Blanching *then* sauteeing. thank you again $575 class.

Yes, these are the kinds of thing I pay $575 for. Clearly cooking class is like therapy, it just reminds you that all of the things you are working very hard to believe are unimportant details actually make all of the difference in the world. Bye bye sweet sweet denial, I will miss you.

Note: One should not get the impression from this snotty little entry that I did not enjoy the cooking class -- it was awesome.