The "a" On The End Keeps Me Classy

As I'm sure most of you have heard Jaimie Lynn Spears has (sort of) named her baby after me. Obviously I felt overwhelmingly honored when I heard this news yesterday afternoon but I also felt a certain amount of shock in Jaimie Lynn's choice to bunk the family tradition that dictates naming her daughter Casey Jaime. Perhaps (like her own parents) she's saving that special name for baby number two though it seems presumptive to assume that Casey will be around for subsequent babies and I'm sad to see her let such a nice gender neutral first name go to waste -- we'd all hate to see a little girl cursed with some less female friendly name like "Rocko Jaimie" or "Benedict Jaime" but I'm sure that mother knows what she's doing, after all how can one doubt any decision made by a 16 year old baby mama from Louisiana especially with an older sister who serves as such a shining example of the perfect mother? Congratz Jaime Lynn and welcome to the world little miss Maddie Briann -- may you also kick family tradition in the face and find some way to keep yourself out of cheetos stained hotpants.

Common C-List Celebrity Tragedies

1. Lure of "Free Meth Tuesdays!" at Scientology headquarters too sweet to resist.
2. Theory that "If the people like to see a little leg why wouldn't they enjoy a peek at the lady pie?" completely convincing until point of execution.
3. Obama campaign so full up with Hollywood types that they are no longer willing to let you in if you haven't appeared in at least 1 actual movie not also starring Paris Hilton.
4. Paparazzi slowly realizing that constant flipping of the bird is really a desperate plea for a little action.
5. PETA beginning to reject offers to pose nude for animal rights claiming shock of seeing celebrities sans clothing has completely worn off.
6. Plan to gain publicity by dating Mary Kate foiled by Olsen twin's demand to see your AARP membership card.
7. Plan to get pregnant in order to drum up some love in the press severely hampered by your penis.
8. Cameo in Please Let the Dogs Out not paying enough to afford the specialty bras big enough to contain the huge ass boobs purchased with check from cameo in Porking the Rind.
9. African term that adopted offspring has been using in place of "mom" actually means "whore."
10. Reality TV cash cow now longer producing milk as viewing public slowly loses interest in watching you do crazy shit on the E network.

(Special thanks to The Mike Stand for much help in the brain storming department)

(This drivel is cross-posted at Burt Reynold's Mustache)

You Call It Trash I Call It a Free Blog Post

A few months ago Kajal’s husband bought her the ultimate “you want it but you won’t buy it for yourself” gift – a subscription to US Weekly. This is the most selfless thing any man has ever done. Sadly, I do not have a guilt-free trashy magazine coming to my house once a week so I usually have to rely on the internet for my celebrate gossip – but not today. As I was running errands and trying desperately to think of something interesting to write on these pages for today’s requisite babble it hit me – the blog is the only excuse I need to buy a copy of US Weekly. Because of this little dalliance I can claim that I did not buy the magazine because I am a pathetic shallow media obsessed part of the problem but instead because US Weekly is research for my very serious writing career.

And so without further ado I present….

Awesome things I learned from the December 3^rd 2007 issue of US Weekly

1. Will Smith has apparently crossed over to Scientology. I cannot come up with a reason why anyone would convert to Scientology no matter how badly they may want to sleep with Tom Cruise. In this day and age becoming a Scientologist is like converting to crazy -- basically Will is all “I always thought sanity was the way to really make it in Hollywood but after talking with Tom I’ve realized that loony is highly under rated. Also my refrigerator houses magical butter that when smeared on my forehead allows me to see into the future!”
2. According to “Stars – They’re Just Like Us” celebrities also have to reapply lipgloss. And here I thought stars had some sort of auto reglossing machinery installed in their lips to save them from the shame of the reapply.
3. Page 36 has an awesome piece on celebrity mom’s dressing trashy -- US weekly pulled a bunch of tots off of the streets in NYC to ask them “Would you be mortified to see your mom in one of these get ups?” The replies were pretty uniform -- “They look gross, I’d make them wear a lot more clothes” – Hannah, 5. I feel like to be fair the magazine should have clarified that in this scenario the mother of each child would be a smoking MILF.
4. On page 42, “The Record” reports, “Boy George was charged with falsely imprisoning a male escort in London on November 13^th. He is due in court on November 22nd” I kind of need more information here -- Is Boy George a cop? Does he just have a fake jail in his house? And if so is it really called “falsely imprisoning” if you lock someone up unwillingly in your home? Isn’t that called kidnapping? Also – is hiring a male escort not illegal in London? Shouldn’t Boy George also be charged with some sort of prostitution related offense?
5. The people at PETA are obligated to support Pam Anderson because she is the only vegan in Hollywood (well I guess except for Moby but he doesn’t have huge tits) which I cannot imagine sits well with them. “US Weekly is on the phone and they want us to comment on Pam and Rick Solomon’s marriage I’m going to need a super sized order of tofurkey to get through this.”
6. Britney Spears has an uncle known as “Wild Willy” who “lives in his car [and] once lived in a treehouse.” Nice try Willy but the "Black Sheep" title is hard won in the Spears family.