For All Your Halloween Shopping Needs

As we all know Halloween is the holiday when we as a nation honor the slut in all her many forms. This year costume retailers are happy to once again offer a wide variety of vaguely inappropriate skin baring ensembles so that the whore in each of us can come out and show the world her ass. But only this web site (that I know of) is offering a review of the best costume options for your inner tramp.

Sexy Nun

Nothing says pagan holiday like a little pissing off the Catholics. And nothing says "vow breaking former bride of Christ" like a swath of exposed upper arm.

Touch Me Teddy

Everyone loves a costume that congers images of furry orgies. When you dress up as “Touch Me Teddy” you exude an air of mystery that will have all of your friends wondering if they should revoke that invite to Thanks Giving. It’ll all be worth it though when you’re the life of the party, after all not only does this costume have this season hot above the elbow armline but everyone knows that all men secretly fantasize about teddy bears.

Raspberry/Blueberry Girl

Proving that even the incredibly uncreative can still dress up like a skank for Halloween! Who needs an actual costume when you have thigh highs?

Techie Becky

“You will love her software and the way she de-fragments your hard drive!”

I like to think that this is how everyone from high school remembers me.

Sadly, even with all of these awesome options on the market, yours truly still hasn’t settled on a costume idea – I may never top last year’s light up jellyfish.

12 Steps to Halloween Success

1. Get dumped one month before Halloween thus leaving a hole in your life that can only be filled by crafts
2. Obsessively search craft forums for a costume idea that does not require any sewing skills and is not ridiculously slutty
3. Settle on a jellyfish because its stinging tentacles represent the stinging pain that now lives forever in your heart. Decide this metaphor might be a bit too much to demand of a costume.
4. Stick with costume anyway since you like marine life.
5. Spend way too much money at Micheal’s on trimmings. Glimpse your future in the form of scrapbooks and elaborate tablescapes. Be not afraid.
6. Buy a clear umbrella on ebay
7. Decide that it would be amazingly cool if you were a luminescent jellyfish. Find source for battery powered Christmas lights: small string of blue lights: $2, shipping: $10. Hope that electronic aspect will impress tech-y coworkers.
8. Go into work late so that you can stand in line for 45 minutes at the post office because they refuse to leave the umbrella at your house when you are not home. You are never home when the mail is delivered because you have a job (something one needs in order to pay for crafting supplies since your insurance does not pay for psychiatric visits and how else will you get over your breakup?)
9. Tape ribbons, strings, sequins, lights, etc to umbrella. Realize the actual “crafting” portion of your craft project took about 20min, so much for filling time with artistic expression.
10. Realize that you kind of need something to wear under the umbrella (though if finding a quick rebound guy was part of the goal you probably can’t beat “naked jellyfish.”).
    
1. Wonder if perhaps the fact that you think men find jellyfish sexy is somehow contributing to your unsuccessful romantic endeavors.
11. Dig up a white tank top and silver skirt you bought in college, find it still fits and wonder how this is possible since you weigh about 40lbs less. Choose to believe skirt is magic.
12. Add some silly silver make-up and tie silver curling ribbons in your hair – TADA! Halloween success.

One Step to Blog Failure

1. Beg coworkers for photographic evidence of your costume – come up with only one photo which doesn’t show how cool the lights were. Blog failure.