Disneyland Top 10

This past weekend in honor of my niece, Dalanie's, 6th birthday we went to Disneyland. As loath as I am to sound like one of those crazy adult Disney fans.... it was awesome. Here are my top 10 
Disneyland moments.

10.  Dalanie quietly asking “Is this real?” while sailing past the giant boa constrictor on the Jungle Cruise. (And the whole family nodding yes).

9.  Zayden watching a video of himself on Autotopia and exclaiming “Bubba driving!!!!” (yes, my nephew refers to himself as Bubba....) .

8. Dalanie spending half of Fantasmic sticking her tongue out at the evil queen from Snow White.

7. Zayden yelling “Hi Buzz!” at top volume whenever a Buzz Lightyear picture, robot or character should appear in the park.

6. Dalanie screaming at me to put my hands in the air before the Big Thunder Mountain railroad has even started up the first hill.

5. Kurt helping Zayden moon his mom from the window of our cart on the California Adventure ferris wheel. (and Dalanie jumping up pants half down for a the follow-up moon).  (Appreciation for the hilariousness of bare butts is my brother's main gift to his children).

4. Zayden posing for a picture with Goofy and at the last minute sticking up his little thumb to copy Goofy (who clearly is a cool dude who makes awesome posing choices).

3. Dalanie asking me which princess was my favorite, which princess dress was my favorite, which princess tiara was my favorite and which princess boobs were my favorite..... (“I don’t really think about that much but they all seem nice.”).

2. Geoff trying in vain to maneuver Dalanie onto his shoulders to view Fantasmic and crying out in frustration, “I don’t know how to do this! I’m not a dad!”

1. Dalanie exclaiming at the end of Fantasmic when the paddle boat emerges carrying pretty much every princess, “This is the best day of my life!!!!!”

Kids These Days are Totally Not Gay

I found out recently that Kids These Days (particular KTDs who are dudes) are keeping up the grand tradition of making sure everyone knows that they are totally into chicks without letting go of the more recent tradition of "giving props" through the invention of the phrase "No homo." This is not a new development, apparently its been popular in hip hop for years but I'm assuming that my readers, like myself, are too old and uncool to listen to anything other than the occasional instrumental break on NPR so my making fun of it here will still feel witty and fresh.

So, a brief lesson in being 16 in 2009. Let's say you're a young dude and you really dig the hoodie that another young dude is wearing but you are very insecure about your sexuality and fear that any compliment given to a member of the same gender could be misinterpreted as a sexual overture that would most likley result in the other dude ripping your clothing off because (as everyone knows) you are super hot despite your chicken legs and face full-o-zits and thus all gay dudes totally cannot wait to get with you. Worry not, the phrase "No Homo." has your back(side). "Yo dawg that is a bitchen' sweatshirt. No homo." See? your boy feels good about his fashion choices without having to wonder/worry that you might be lusting after his sweet 16 year old behind. Brilliant.

Despite the overt homophobic tone of No Homo the communication concept itself is genius and applicable to millions of social situations where one needs to qualify a statement. In the spirit of No Homo I bring you the top 10 No Homo inspired qualifiers.

Just to Clarify

10. Tempah is really growing on me. No veggie.
9. In Italy we visited the Vatican, the architecture was beautiful. No Catholic.
8. I like your jacket "Thanks, its Prada but no richie, it was on sale"
7. I've just started brewing my own beer. No Alchie.
6. I'll take a scotch on the rocks for my boyfriend and just a soda for me. No preggers.
5. I think Miley Cyrus is really hot. No pedo.
4. I could totally kick your ass at Risk. No geek.
3. The reverse no homo (for the macho gay dude): I can totally change the oil in your car! No breeder.
2. I bought the most killer tiedyed shirt at last night's Phish concert! No stoner.
1. This sauerbraten is delicious. No Nazi

Special thanks to G, Sky, Lisa and Mike for all of there hilarious help with this post!

Common C-List Celebrity Tragedies

1. Lure of "Free Meth Tuesdays!" at Scientology headquarters too sweet to resist.
2. Theory that "If the people like to see a little leg why wouldn't they enjoy a peek at the lady pie?" completely convincing until point of execution.
3. Obama campaign so full up with Hollywood types that they are no longer willing to let you in if you haven't appeared in at least 1 actual movie not also starring Paris Hilton.
4. Paparazzi slowly realizing that constant flipping of the bird is really a desperate plea for a little action.
5. PETA beginning to reject offers to pose nude for animal rights claiming shock of seeing celebrities sans clothing has completely worn off.
6. Plan to gain publicity by dating Mary Kate foiled by Olsen twin's demand to see your AARP membership card.
7. Plan to get pregnant in order to drum up some love in the press severely hampered by your penis.
8. Cameo in Please Let the Dogs Out not paying enough to afford the specialty bras big enough to contain the huge ass boobs purchased with check from cameo in Porking the Rind.
9. African term that adopted offspring has been using in place of "mom" actually means "whore."
10. Reality TV cash cow now longer producing milk as viewing public slowly loses interest in watching you do crazy shit on the E network.

(Special thanks to The Mike Stand for much help in the brain storming department)

(This drivel is cross-posted at Burt Reynold's Mustache)

Unconventional Dieting Tips

1. Instead of food how about 4 vodka gimlets for dinner?
2. Become a wet nurse
3. Acquire quarterly stomach flu
4. Clip fingernails super short (ever little bit helps!)
   
5. Salmonella