With Abs Like This Who Needs Shirts?

Some Guy in a Bowflex Commercial: I gave all of my fat clothes to my fat friends!

Brianna: "hey fatties, I brought you some more shirts to grow out of!"

Mike: "Don't thank me now!"

Brianna: "Thank me later when I give you my old fat girlfriends!"

Mike: "Y'all can be my wingmen, which is funny because nothing that big could ever get off the ground!"

The Girl All the Tabloids Want

Last week I received an email from my peeps over at Crazy Blind Date asking if I’d be willing to submit to a Daily News interview about their services. I considered asking if I was going to be put on their payroll since I am apparently a key member of their marketing department but refrained because being interviewed by a real life paper (even one that I often snear/snicker at on the subway) sounded like good times. So I called the writer who was so fun to chat with that there is pretty much no chance that I didn’t say something that will result in my family disowning me. When she offered to plug my blog in the piece I briefly considered asking her if she was interested in some hot lesbian loving but I somehow managed to restrain myself. God forbid I ever do anything interesting enough to warrant true news coverage of my life because all it will take is one “You look so cute!” from Oprah and I’ll be slutting myself out for an all night Oprah/Brianna/Gail sandwich making party.

Anyway. The article was supposed to appear in today’s Daily News in their weekly “Hers-day” feature (I would like to comment on that ridiculous name but embedding an animated gif of rolling eyes on my blog seems like cheating especially since that gif could adequately stand in for every single sentence I’ve ever written). You may have noticed that there was no such article in today’s paper (one assumes that, like me, you scoured the entire fucking web site and wasted fifty whole cents only to spend your subway ride begrudgingly reading about the superbowl). Because I am very well connected with the movers and shakers in the news world I emailed this one guy who I sort of know who works at the Daily News (in sports, but whatever).

So last week I was interviewed for this Daily News piece on crazy blind date and the writer implied that she might be able to sneak in a link to my blog so I’m pretty psyched (how far away can a million dollar book deal be really?). She said the piece would appear in today's "Hersday" section but clearly THIS WAS A LIE. Obviously I expect you to research this for me because, really, what could you be doing that's more important than this? NOTHING.

I have yet to hear back from him so clearly someone needs to reprioritize whatever the crap he is doing today.

I’m going to assume that the piece will eventually be published because I give great interview – they’re probably just saving it for some awful Valentines Day themed issue as the article meant to promise hope to the pathetically single among us (likely it will appear right between “Chocolate Tastes Great!” and “Maybe You Just Suck”). In the meantime single men in New York should take a long look at this blog because I think it’s obvious that I am THE BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR. Now that might not be a particularly encouraging piece of news but sometimes the truth hurts. The Crazy Blind Date people could ask any one of their numerous single female contacts to shill for them on national TV and local newspapers. Ok, clearly they need someone with a nice rack and the ability to construct sentences that make her seem interesting and not crazy so that millions of single men will log on to their site and sign up for dates which I can only assume will somehow make the CBD people rich (though I still have no idea how this site is making any money even if they have implemented an innovative way of getting free marketing via cute girls with blogs). But how hard can it be to find some boobage with a side order of sanity? Apparently next to impossible since CBD has looked through their stash of single NYC girls twice now and twice come up with “fuck I guess we’ll ask this Brianna girl cause everyone else is either sporting a third nostril or might start mooing like a cow mid-interview.”

In conclusion: I’m free on Tuesday and I like fancy cocktails.

This Worries Me

How it Should Have Gone Down

ABC Reporter: So there you have it Joe, Obama has taken the lead in this impor--

ABC News Anchor (Joe): Bob, sorry to cut in here but we have some important news developments coming out of our LA affiliate, we’re going live to CeCe Hernandez who is on the scene

CeCe: Jose I am reporting from outside of Britney Spears’ mega huge house of fun and there is a flurry of activity here. It appears the Miss Spears has finally lost it. We hear that she has locked herself in the bathroom with her children and may or may not be spreading strawberry frosting on the floor to serve as a force field against the multitudes of police and firemen currently breaking down the door. This reporter thinks that the chica may be loco in the cabeza. Back to you Joe.

Joe: Thank you CeCe. This is ABC news, always bringing you the important stories of the day, now a message from our sponsor, Sandwiches Bigger Than Your Head.

What Actually Happened

ABC Dude: blah blah Iowa blah blah Obama blah blah you can totally use caucus as any form of speech the caucus caucused caucus caucusly.

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16 HOURS pass

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Brianna: WTF? Britbrit went crazy and I MISSED IT?!?! Why kind of media are we fostering here? I mean I care about the presidential race as much as the next girl but DUDES you have got to prioritize.