I'm Rich Bitches!

A week or so ago I was approached via email by a marketing company about placing a few test ads on a few of the posts on this very blog in exchange for MONEY! Obviously I was intrigued. And by intrigued I mean "My sell out dream has finally come true! Where do I sign? I can only hope that my blood makes good ink!" Finally the capitalist system is recognizing my genius by paying me $.67/post!

About that selling out thing. I suppose that as a arteeeeest I should be unbuy-offable, unwilling to compromise my writing for the sake of a few measly bucks, etc. Certainly just like all rock stars I expect all of my paramoures to read and adore every word I've ever written but, again like a rock star, I would like very much to get some paychecks and radio play (and, most importantly, some groupies). I have no shame because I know that secretly everyone wants to be a sell out ("I want ads. I'm jealous" -- Lisa (aka one smart cookie)), selling out your art is the new dotcom, the new pyramid scheme, the new cam girl, the new prostitution. And like all fools before me armed with only greed and laziness I am here to pimp myself out. After all, I sell out my project management skills everyday and I'm a much better (or at least more consistent) project manager than writer. I should probably consider excel spread sheets comparing actual hours to estimated hours and well crafted emails about exactly how bad things will be if I'm forced to build an entire web application by myself my real Art. Luckily, no one, save myself, considers being super anal a form of artistic expression and so no one judges me for going into the office everyday. The point is, mama has to pay the JCrew bills somehow and since my blogging is typically done from my bed while sipping a vodka gimlet I'll happily choose it over this building software racket. Moral of the story? Send me money and/or a new cashmere cardigan and I will happily do your bidding.

In addition to making me $175 closer to living on a yacht in the Caribbean this advertising adventure affords me the opportunity to link back to a number of old posts. This is fortuitous because I fear that many of my newer readers do not take the proper amount of time to thoroughly read and comment on every single post in my archives. Such an oversight could lead to people thinking that I'm not the most awesome and hilarious writer ever just because most everything I've written in say, the last 4 months, has been crap. Obviously this would be a disaster. Please, for your own good, take some time to peruse the writing (and the somewhat hilarious "Third Party Resources") that I give to you for free even though random marketing companies totally think it is worth money.

• Brianna Makes a Fool of Herself on National TV
• Brianna is Intimidated by Bikes
• Brianna Cooks Some Stuff
• Brianna, as Investigative Reporter, Calls Out The Local Pizza Joint
• Brianna Has No Shame When it Comes to Dating
• Brianna Bitches A Lot (This Time About Grocery Shopping)
• Brianna's a Slut for a Little Twang
  

Now, there is the question of how best to blow my $175 in advertising revenue. Ideally the money would go to something frivolous that also somehow manages to benefit the blog thus easily masking the frivolity. My only idea so far is a class which I could somehow parlay into at least one (or possibly 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) blog post. Or I could just buy $175 worth of liquor and live blog my slow decent into drunken stooper. But in the spirit of community (and in homage to my never ending laziness) I'm open to suggestions from the peanut gallery -- How do you think I should spend my loot?

Best Case Scenarios

People are constantly asking me about my long term plans for the blog and even though I have, in the past, claimed that this is just a hobby I think we all know that blogs are a modern day get rich quick scheme. All bloggers seem to harbor some dream of blogging for a living or becoming a "real" writer or a highly paid panel guest and deep down, despite practical protests to the contrary, I'm no different. And so, while I know that this little dream is as laughable as your average pyramid scheme I present...

Ways My Blog Could Pay My Bills

Book Deal

While, like other less creative bloggers, I do occasionally dream of being given a regular writing job (on the side of course, god knows entry level writing gigs won't support my Richie tendencies) in reality I suspect I would suck an awful lot at writing as a career since I'm pretty sure that paying writing jobs require you to write about things that other people pick out and also that you deliver your writing on time and that it be of the requested length. My art cannot be contained in such a stifling box. I might have some hope of pulling off being a real writer if the job were along the lines of "go to a crazy event and document the insanity; here's some money to buy tickets and booze!" but it's probably more likely that I'd get assignments like "write something about life in New York" and then I'd sit in front on my screen in terror until 5 minutes before my deadline and then quickly try to write something nonsucky through the tears and then get fired. Not a pretty picture or a fantasy likely to result in purchasing my own cabana boy.

A much better option would be for someone with money and a publishing house to stumble upon this blog and think "Wow, this is some GREAT writing, I should give this girl a book deal!" only the book deal would not require ANY new writing -- all I'd have to do is pick out my favorite already written essays and hit "print" and then figure out if it is more comfortable to sleep on a mattress filled with $50 or $100 dollar bills (sure, you're thinking "of course $100s!" but the guilt of such extravagance might get to me.).

Big Ad Money

The other option for the blog bringing home the bacon wrapped foie gras is getting some sort of awesome advertising offers. Greedy folks with no eye for a 5 year plan often ask me why I don't have Google Ads on my site and the answer is because I am not a cheap whore. I am an expensive, sleeping with sketchy famous dudes, apt to cause political scandal whore. Not putting up Google Ads allows me to maintain the illusion that I'm doing this for THE ART. As we all know art is super pricey so when a big company approaches me to cover the entire blog background with some really ugly animated gifs likely promoting tampons or porn or a movie staring Eddie Murphy as Eddie Murphy if he were reborn as an 85 year old woman with 700lbs of extra flesh I will be in a prime position to act offended and concerned about my image thus forcing OB or Joe Francis or Miramax to offer me big bucks for compromising my artistic integrity. Warm up the swimming pool full of liquid gold cause mama's ready to be plated!