Step Off Ho

So it turns out my (ok, G's) Wii Fit is a huge bitch who may or may not be making a play for my man.

Exhibit A:



Now it is true that I have been.... less than strict with my diet and *ahem* work out plan (read: walking lots of places...) since oh, say... May. And it's also true that I have not hung out with Wii Fit since September but I still think the behavior that is being exhibited here is cruel in the extreme and I fear that soon the Wii will declare war. How far could we be from the following:

• Does Brii get up in the morning and make you coffee? A) Occasionally, B) No, she mostly lies in bed whining about me making coffee, C) Ha! She's too busy complainging that the coffee I make her isn't good enough, D) She doesn't let me have caffine, or happiness.
• Brii sure is a bitch about waking you up when you snore, do you think a perfect girlfriend would do that? (note: machine's don't need sleep and therefore would not even consider disturbing the slumber of their significant other): A) Probably not...., B) No, never, C) Real woman are turned on by a little manly snoring, D) Wii Fit, You're looking mighty sexy this morning
• My oh my, you're looking awfully handsome today, did Brii mention that? A) She says looks don't matter to her..., B) No, but she said my outfit choice was iiiiinteresting, that's good, right? C) She said something about me not looking enough like some dude named Riggins, C)Oh Wii Fit, your'e so sweet, let's run away together!
  

Be Careful What You Wish For OR Nintendo has Officially Won the War

I finally got a Wii last month thanks to the incredible awesomeness of my friend Joe who all but held a Target employee hostage in his quest to get me to shut the fuck up about wanting a Wii. It is entirely possible that this was a ploy to lay claim on my first born child which seems like an entirely fair trade especially since kids poop and cry and my Wii does neither of these things. Which is not to say that life with the Wii is a feces-less utopia.

Actually owning a Wii has done little to change my love/hate relationship with Nintendo, in fact the frequency and decibel levels of the cursing has only increased. You see, in addition to the fact that Wii sports thinks I'm 70 years old (I blame baseball, and my bad hip, and possible the difficulty of boxing in Depends) Mario Galaxy is an evil little turd of a game. Right now I have 3 open planets none of which start with a level that Mario and I have any hope of getting past. Sometimes I wonder if I really like video games at all since the majority of my play time is spent clenching my fists, foaming at the mouth and taking out my aggression on the relatively innocent pillows that clutter my couch. I very rarely want to punch or throw things in real life (choosing instead to brood silently and beat myself up for having any feelings at all) but put a controller in my had and some cartoon goofballs up on the screen and I'm a regular Wario on an invincibility star high.

Below I present a completely unbiased review of the levels that are currently making me doubt my princess saving prowess.

First up is the candy level where Mario is forced to jump to his doom or be shocked by some sort of electric fence over and over again until there are no more Mario lives left and I have no choice but to growl like some sort of rabid Bowser/Peach hybrid and then cheat by resetting the game without saving. This level pretty much sucks. I think we can all agree that with the possible exception of a love handle or a cavity (both of which are certainly outweighed by deliciousness) candy has been nothing but good to people so to misrepresent chocolate and gumdrops and the occasional river of corn syrup in this way seems especially cruel.

Next there is the surfing atop a stingray level that requires me to hold the controller steady which brings up some serious genetic questions about people in Japan because the American human arm was never meant to perform in this way which is why the actual game has Mario balancing on his FEET not on his ARM. (which is not to suggest that I would be more able to pass this level if actual surfing were involved because I know from experience that were that the case I would only be more likely to end up as a broken body washed up on the shores of Marioland only to be calously picked on by every passing goomba and koopa, my lifeless body unable to fight back with even a little jump or spin). This level pretty much sucks. I hope the CIA is researching and planning for the superhuman arm balancing abilities of the Japanese (not to mention their apparent alliance with the stingray community) because I fear for the future of our nation.

The last open level of torment is the switch level which on its surface seems like it should be easy but in reality this level pretty much sucks. The idea is for Mario to run around until he's touched every square on the planet and as long as you can avoid the roaming open electrical currents (a constant plague in this game making me wish for a few electrical shock resistant pikmin to neutralize things) it's an easy win. Of course this is a ruse as actually avoiding being shocked to death is impossible.

I am embarrassed to admit this but in an effort to get images for this post I looked at a game walk through and I am not even 1/7th of the way through this torture. There is pretty much no way I'm not going to end up with an ulcer and a sofa full of fist shaped holes.

Wii-diculous

As a good little Nintendo fangirl I’ve wanted a Wii for almost a year now but I’ve been self-righteously refusing to camp out on street corners, scour the black market or break into the houses of people willing to do such things and so have remained wii-less. While laziness played a part in my resistance I was also denying myself access to sweet Nintendo action as protest of the ridiculously bad system currently in place for procuring the white box of awesomeness. I’m going to assume that most of my readers are not on the cutting edge of video game platform procurement so let me catch you up on the “getting a Wii” process.

1. Think to yourself “Self, Super Mario Galaxy comes out in a month and you love Mario so much that you sometimes get a little giddy when your sink clogs. You should order a Wii, surely those silly shortages have been solved by now, after all, the product has been out for a year!”
2. Visit all online retailers only to be greeting with a myriad of creatively designed “sold out” images (empty wooden pallet, empty box, cruel mocking sad face, etc).
3. Curse your stupidity for listening to that stupid “self” person, she is never right!
4. Subscribe to multiple Wii search tools all of which kindly inform you on a regular basis that you are SOL.
   
5. Consider getting up extra early on Wednesday to visit the Nintendo World store on the rumor that they receive new stock first thing Wednesday mornings.
6. Whine on your blog

One of the charming quirks that I’ve developed through working in software for 7.5 years is the tendency to constantly note the poor UI design of life. For those of you who have thought “hmmm the designer of this life? AWESOMELY INTELLIGENT.” I present the following list of life features that have some serious bugs.

1. Babies
2. Traffic
3. My hair
4. Dating
5. Shopping for a Wii

Thankfully some of these glitches can be fixed without the help of a higher power and I encourage the rest of you to get on that shit – I don’t have to act because I am super busy fixing all of your damn software (and I offer one big special in advance thank you bug fix to whoever fixes dating cause that system is CRAP). Thank me in the comments.

But back to Nintendo. In 2007 people should not have to hunt down products a year after they’re released. It is Nintendo’s job to provide me with an easy way to buy their products. It is my job to give them money. (see: capitalism). I believe they also have this crazy system in Japan so the distribution department over at Nintendo has no excuse for sitting around eating fish flavored ice cream and reading disturbing comic books involving panty-less preteens and giant sea creatures while store shelves idle on empty. Of course there is one other possible group of people to stereotypically assign blame to. I’m sure that by now (after reading “Wii” a dozen time) you’ve noticed that “Wii” is the same thing as “WII” which stands for World War Two which caused a lot of shortages which lead to rationing of goods. And now I can’t get a Wii. Coincidence? Impossible. I think we may be able to officially blame the Nazi’s for this bullshit.