( A list of for real things that have actually happened on this actual show)
You’re 16. And pregnant.
One of the cute-sie comic strips that bracket each commercial break portrays you preggers and smoking.
While you’re in labor your baby daddy asks you to scoot over because you are taking up the whole hospital bed.
When your doctor asks if you have any questions about the birth or taking care of the baby your only thought is about how to get rid of stretch marks.
While you’re in labor your baby daddy gets in a fight with your mom and storms out.
Someone gets arrested
Your parents are REALLY HAPPY about the way things are going -- having a child who is having a baby at 16 is basically like winning the lottery to them. This is creepy.*
Your baby daddy arrives to the birth drunk/hungover
During the airing of your episode MTV includes 2 PSAs (the standard “Don’t have babies at 16 you idiot!!!” PSA and a bonus “If your boyfriend punches you in the face you should for sure break up.” PSA)
You’re 16 and pregnant. With twins.
* On that note why have I seen only *ONE* episode where the parents of this knocked up 16 year old are totally bummed out about the whole ordeal? I suppose some parents are applying “fake it til you make it” to grandparenthood and that if a baby is coming clearly you should/will love it but.... still.... If my teenager was birthing out some young-ins I think I’d be a just a tiny bit suicidal/homicidal until at least the day when my cute grandchild shows up.
Now, this show may not be that awesome, it's no Buffy, it's no 90210 (old school, 'natch it's got scads on the new swill) it's probably not even on par with Dawson's Creek (not that I watched that crap even if it is perhaps the favorite show of a certain guy who I am dating who I promise is NOT GAY (though I know everyone reading this wishes he was cause how awesome would a Winner Parade post about the guy who dumped me for a dude be? Alas). Gossip Girl is sometimes even annoyingly unwatchable -- I am constantly tempted to fast forward through Dan And Serena blathering about how hard it is to date when one of you is super rich and the other is only sort of rich or Jenny pretending she is a fashion maven and not a 14 year old girl who appears to be wearing a junior bridesmaid dress BUT I stick with it because Chuck Bass is the most awesome character ever created.
Current Awesome Chuck Plot Lines
I cannot get a boner for anyone other than my true love (Blair). Thank you to the CW for highlighting this pressing issue that affects scads of male teens across the country. How many times will a poor young boy have to suffer through puberty unable to attain so much as half mast unless his soul sings with love? If nothing else think of the poor young lassies desperate for a little action with your average mock turtleneck-clad hunk-a-roonie only to have her heart crushed when his dick reveals his true feelings! I am awestruck that it has taken a teen drama to finally bring this widespread horrific affliction into the spotlight, the presidential campaigns of both Obama and McCain could take a cue from Gossip Girl.
No one can tell the difference between two dudes in the dark assuming they both have British accents. All English dudes are indistinguishable from one another and in last night's episode Chuck took advantage of this unfortunate evolutionary loophole in order to take advantage of Blair. When the lights are out your paramour could be Prince William, or Prince Charles or Mr Bean! This explains the proliferation of obviously less than the fittest genes throughout the British empire.
How ridiculous can my outfits get before I am gay bashed at my prep school? Gossip girl has everyone in the middle of the country convinced that dudes in NYC constantly dress as if 1957 collided with a bottle of pomade and some velvet drapes in a creepy late night Central Park three-way tryst. In this season's opener Chuck sports an argyle sweater vest, a plaid bow tie and shorts with KNEE SOCKS -- the perfect croquet ensemble! I look forward to seeing Chuck clad in a kilt and bloomers before the season is out.
In conclusion:
Everyone not working at the CW: Monday nights, 8pm CW Staff: Please make everyone else on Gossip Girl more like Chuck (start with mandated velvet penny loafers for all and work from there)
I like two kind of television -- really well written interesting shows that win awards (Lost, Big Love, etc) and really awful bottom of the barrel fare that one should likely be embarrassed by. Luckily, I long ago embraced my love for a good train wreck. When I was a teen my ideal way to spend a teacher in service day was lying on my parent's water bed (bowchicabowwow) with the remote in hand flipping between talk shows. I was a fan of Geraldo, Sally Jesse, Maury and Montel but my greatest admiration was reserved for the king of klansmen marrying pregnant vampire trannies: Mr. Jerry Springer. My preoccupation with chair throwing rednecks continued through college when I sucked my housemates into late night Jerry-a-thons (and where we noticed that one particularly ugly long blue polyester sleeveless dress was practically vying with Steve for costar status as it appeared on guest after guest) but college was an long eight years ago and after graduation I left behind not only mixing rum with powdered iced tea and decorating with tapestries but also my good friend Jerry. A few weeks ago when I discovered that my 19 year old cousin had a disturbing devotion to Springer I decided to revisit his show.
The episode begins with this alert: "Warning: The Jerry Springer Show may contain adult themes or strong language. Parents are cautioned that this program may not be suitable for children." MAY? Seriously Jerry I think you can safely promise an adult hour full of curse words that kiddies should not be allowed to hear. During the 15 or so seconds when this warning is on the screen viewers ears are treated to the comforting lull of a toilet flushing. Just a precursor of the classiness to come.
Now officially warned we open with the familiar chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" and a series of scenes from shows of yore. Jerry starts things off with a quote from a 1991 show, "we can even talk without punching each other out." Aw Jer -- you sentimental fool. In '92 people hit each other with chairs, same in '93. in '94 there is punching and women in tapestry patterned vests, in 1995 a food fight, repeated in 96 with someone dumping a 5 gallon bucked of spaghetti on a woman in a bridal gown. 1997 stars a klansman throwing a stool at the audience. In '98 Jerry appears in a neck brace. '99 a fist fight. 2000 a man without legs walking around on his hands. 2001 a man wearing only a refrigerator box and a mop-like wig chasing down a navy blue 70s era car. 2002 a woman ripping off her shirt. 2003 revisits the food fight this time I think chocolate cake is involved. Food being flung again in 2004, and, in a nod to healthy eating trends, we're having salad. Again a bride is faced with an avalanche of food in '05. My god apparently the last 5 years of Jerry have been all food fights all the time -- in 06 we see some dude essentially breakdancing in smashed leftovers. 2007 has a very obese woman with a man's head tattooed on her forearm who is possibly.... eating a mans foot? or maybe kissing his feet? All I know for sure is that there is no food being flung. Annnnnd now it's 08 and the show is starting and Jerry is entering the stage via a fireman's pool while bathed in red light and fog.
THAT WAS JUST THE INTRO.
I took notes on the entire hour long episode with the intention of this post being a sort of Jerry Springer live blog but... it's too much! The problem with live blogging Springer is that, unlike almost everything else in the world, I am incapable of improving the humor level via snide commentary. Springer is my kryptonite. Springer stands alone. I don't believe that the Jerry Springer show is real. I don't even really believe that the Oprah show is real (the Tyra show is probalby also fake but I so badly want to believe...). The thing is once you accept the show as a total fabrication it becomes crazy fucking awesome.
The title of today's episode is "On top of Old Smokey" I will now take a moment to hypothesize on what this might mean. I'm guessing... something about burley bearish gay men who are secretly bottoms? Guess again. The theme is actually, "Living a double life has finally caught up with me." kind of yawn worthy in comparison -- I should get a job making up Springer themes. The first guest is named Smokey so I think it's safe to say that someone is getting on top of his ass before the hour is out. As expected the episode has fighting and pixelated boobs and wigs ripped from heads and, shockingly, only one on top of Olde Smokey joke. But this is not news -- this is standard issue Jerry and no one is really impressed anymore. But I am happy to report that the folks over at Jerry Springer HQ are still, over 10 years in, thinking outside of the polyamorous sumo wrestler amputee box.
So the show starts and Smokey is sitting there telling us about his 2 womens blah blah blah... then the camera pulls away to reveal the most awesome thing ever: a mini-stage in the background with 2 puppets on it -- one a blond girl with huge fuzzy puppet implants and the other an old man complete with mountain man full gray beard. THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW HAS PUPPETS! Oh man. As Jerry tries to get to the bottom of the story (Smokey apparently lives with both woman, one is his baby mama, etc) the puppets in the background "react" mostly by holding their heads in their hands and shaking in shame -- Smokey makes puppets cry. When Jerry makes a sad attempt at a joke he gets a budump-ba drum sound effect and the puppets guffaw uncontrollably. When we return from the third commercial break Old Man puppet has been replaced with young black girl puppet -- I suspect old man puppet had had enough of these crazy kids and went off to the senior center to have lunch and maybe play a round of bocce with the ladies. Later, when a fight breaks out between the girlfriends the puppets can be seen in the background acting out the entire performance. The puppets are my new favorite TV personalities (take that Holly, Bridget and Kendra). Would that I had the kind of muse that came to me with ideas like "we should get some puppets to reenact the action as it takes place on stage and one of the puppets should probably be a stereotypical Italian dude in a bikini." I predict in 5 years all studio audiences will be replaced with puppets -- Jerry is more than half way there since for some reason there is a dummy in the audience -- he appears to be wearing a Che Guevara shirt (I am not kidding.) and he is never acknowledged.
As the show's main segment comes to a close Smokey claims to "put the mac in macdaddy" and one of the girls attacks him again with her huge blurry boobs. Jerry encourages the girls to force Smokey to choose and Girlfriend #1 agrees but then claims that she didn't understand what Jerry was asking of her. At this admission the audience demands a translator and they bring up some Latino show staff dude and he starts translating to Spanish. Shockingly this 400lb black woman does not speak Spanish. For the remainder of the segment (at least 5 minutes) the translator continues translating everything said on stage including "I don't bleeping speak Spanish!" Then Jerry points out that the puppets are demonstrating the fight between the two girlfriend and Smokey furthers the demo by putting his arms around the puppets and claiming them both as belonging to him.
And that's pretty much it -- Jerry '08 is talk show meets the twilight zone and then somehow takes sharp left at Sesame Street. It is totally worth tivoing. Until next time... Take care of yourselves and each other.
On tonights show you'll meet Gordo, a 783 pound behemoth. Gordo will eat ridiculous amounts of food, way more food then you can a imagine, no, seriously, you have got to see this -- 17 friend chickens and a 5 gallon vat of partially hydrogenated oil followed by a generous serving of ice cream made from the left over chicken fat. Gordo will probably not be able to get out of bed or leave his home, even through the garage door. You will walk away form this show comfortable in the knowledge that sure, you could stand to lose a few but at least you still fit into the XL sweatpants on sale this week at Kohls.
10:00: That is the Smallest Dwarf I Have Ever Seen!
Meet Tim, a 13 year boy so small that he is actually only visible through a microscope! We'll make him stand next to average sized children and pets to illustrate just how tini tiny Tim is! When Tim goes to the microscopic people convention in Little Rock he meets a special young lady named Tina-- and if there is anything more awkward than teenage dwarfs it's teenage dwarfs in love!
11:00: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 1
Johanna and Lou Smithson have 28 children, neither of them is attractive and this program will force you to picture them having sex a minimum of 26 times (2 sets of twins). We will imply that birthing this many children has left her lady bits less the snug. The thing is, they just L-O-V-E love kids, they love the little toes, they love the snot,and most of all they love creating a little army of freaky religion warriors. This is the 2nd scariest program on television.
11:30: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 2
Louise and John Morgan have 12 kids -- and they're all 3 years old! In 2003 this couple was so fucking desperate for a baby that they made the questionable decision to implant as many eggs as the could find (13 human and one chicken) into Louise's womb and then they dosed her up on hormones, fertility drugs and double cosmopolitans, stuck an Angelina Jolie mask on her and told John to go at it! Between the potty training and the constant demands for another cookie life with Sally, Sasha, Samson, Savior, Sorren, Simon, Sibol, Sophia, Sigfried, Sawyer, Sandra and Cluck-Cluck could not be more of nightmare! At least they got a free minivan!
On Friday I received a curious email from the founders of CrazyBlindDate.com. Apparently they had been tricked into going on the Fox morning show and after reading my blog entry about their service wanted nothing more than to drag me down with them. I was totally in. The deal was this – go on a Crazy Blind Date with some random dude and let Fox film it and then show up on Monday’s episode of The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet for an interview. They did not specifically ask me to make a fool out of myself but I’m pretty sure it was implied (never let it be said that I don't deliver on my commitments). Remember long long ago (last week) when I bemoaned just how awful I am at dating?Well everyone knows that if you think you’re not very good at something a sure fire way to overcome your insecurities is to do that activity on national television.
In order to be cleared for TV I had to submit to a very upbeat phone screen with one of the producers of Fox’s Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. During the phone screen that producer worked very hard to get me to agree that my ultimate goal for my crazy bind date was L-O-V-E and most certainly not “I needed something to blog about.” Luckily I’m an atheist and therefore have no moral scruples so I had no problem telling the roughly 500 white lies required to get on national TV. (“random blind dates are a sure fire path to love!” “Oh yeah, my house is totally clean already.” “Of course I know how to do my own make up!”). Despite my flagrant disregard for the truth after the phone screen I felt certain that Fox was running a background check on my voting record and would be banning me from the show. I can only assume that at 5:30pm on Friday the network was desperate enough for a single girl that they were willing to overlook my love for organic vegetables, evolution and the gays.
So I thought everything was set – I meet at the date site early to do an interview and then they film the date and then I get drunk and wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Then, latish on Friday night the producer calls to ask if they can do some pre show filming at my house – as a red blooded television worshiping American I had no choice but to say yes. So I spent all of Saturday morning obsessively cleaning least my family see the show and determine that the main reason why I’m not married is that my entire house is covered in chinchilla dust. (They’d be wrong, the boys love the dust, they think it’s mysterious and sexy).
The crew arrived at 3pm and filmed roughly 15 hours of me poking at my computer and putting on my earrings (strangely they filmed only a few minutes of “Brianna walking” footage but obviously decided to put ALL of it on the show – I walk good.). The camera and PA for the show were both hot. I wondered if there was some easy way to hit on both of them while being filmed on a date with another dude. Since as usual I failed at the flirting I can only hope that they read this and are totally into sharing a girlfriend (I have two hands boys!).
I used to think that if I were to go on reality TV I would be able to resist falling into a one dimensional stereotype but now I know that I was wrong. Put in front of cameras I become the perky sweet girl immediately (like Bridget from The Girls Next Door but with better taste in men and more clothing). Given a few weeks living in a mansion I’d kill off about 40% of the viewing audience with my saccharine sweetness. The hair and make up people did everything possible to help me fit this reality TV archetype with super straight hair and a ton of make-up I pull off boring pretty quite well. If only I had some huge fake boobs perhaps I could jump start a career as a C list celebrity.
As you can see from the date footage I looked adorable. Also I was hilariously witty. Also it’s shocking to believe that I am single. I have been contacted by no less than 780 scientists interested in studying this phenomenon (most studies seem centered around exploring the phenomenon in the nude). Bret was cute too. He was notably much cuter than the picture he used on CrazyBlindDate which I saw the next day -- because I am a huge huge huge lover of the geeks I thought, “oh he’s way hotter than that picture, I kind of wish he looked like that, that guy looks like a totally dork!” I said as much on the show – I also said the following on my official Crazy Blind Date feedback form, “Brett was great but I usually only date guys who know at least one programming language.”
Despite the fact that holding a conversation with some guy you just met while three people hover over you with cameras and mics and notepads is virtually impossible I think we both managed to avoid looking like schmoes. While the date did have some awkward moments the clip that Fox uses to make us look like dorks (frankly I’m surprised they didn’t edit some cricket chirping into the soundtrack) was likely the result of both of us trying very hard to think of TV friendly things to talk about on a “date.” At one point we got onto the topic of my job and I had to continue speaking over the “Brianna do not get your ass fired” alarms going off in my head. Sadly the Mike and Juliet site only shows the first half of our segment but that might be for the best since all I remember of the interview portion is offering to make out on the show. But the interview does reveal that Brett and I extended our 20 minute agreed upon date for a few hours when he asked to tag along with me to the Roller Derby (where the girls were hot enough to almost turn me into a dyke). This allowed us to actually talk to each other like normal people rather than “The Perky Girl” and “The Responsible Gentleman” – it turned out I had more in common with Brett than I thought, he likes cooking and eating and travel and technology – again the robots do me right. There’s a reason why I love computers so much. While on our post-date date Brett and I also came up with the most awesome idea for Monday – A little faked proposal action, thankfully for the Crazy Blind Date dude our idea was all talk and no commitment (clearly we’re not ready for marriage).
So yet again Crazy Blind Date is awesome – everyone reading this should break up with the significant others just to go out on random dates. The only snafu of the evening was that the car that Fox sent to take me to the date was ridiculously expensive and I had to pay for it. At first I blamed Fox for being cheap “no new taxes” bastards but in retrospect I now just think that the cabbie scammed me since the same limo service drove me to Fox and to work today and didn’t charge me either time. Luckily the drinks were comped… though not by Fox – the bar manager paid for them.
The live TV experience this morning was surreal. I arrived make up free and with my frizzy hair in a ponytail (as Amy observed I’m not the kind of person to clean before the maid arrives) and was sent straight to hair and make-up (“Get thee to the chair before your hideousness ruins television for all!”). The hair lady took one look at me and reached for the straightening iron – curly hair is for communists. While being straightened the beauticians inquired about my day job and upon hearing the words “Software Project Manager” launched immediately into a chorus of “why is my computer so slow.” I threw out some “reboot” and “disk defragmenter” recommendations to appease them least they choose to send me onto the show with a beehive and orange lipstick (though that might have been awesome). From there on everything moved at lightening speed; the producers quizzed me and seemed convinced that I would not clam up or bare any body parts that could get Fox sued (tempting, believe me), Bret tried to get me to take some sort of crazy herbal supplement for nerves, the CrazyBlindDate dude seemed completely freak out (though he also resisted the herbal supplement), and then we were standing at the edge of the stage trying not to giggle as they showed our dating footage.
When I got to work and hour later I had to resist the impulse to wash my face figuring that without some serious cleanser I wasn’t going to be able to even break through the make-up top soil. There was a mixed office reaction to my new heavily made up look – half shock (“oh my god you’re a girl!”) and half awe (“you should hire a make-up and hair crew every morning”) – obviously this is disturbing since a) I think I looked like a freak and b) there is no way in hell I’m going to spend this much time, energy and money on my looks on any sort of regular basis. This also presumes that I have the skills to make myself up but instead choose sleep over beauty every morning. The truth is that laziness is the least of my problems. Predate (when I had to do my own make-up) I had a moment of panic when I called two friends (neither of which responded – thanks for nothing Amy and Gillian) in a panic when I remembered 30 minutes before the camera crew arrived that I have no idea how to put on eye shadow or tie a scarf. I mean I can swipe on some Burt’s Bees lip tint and run a brush through the mop but other than that I’m as inept as an accountant on a stripper pole (no offense to all the sexy accountants out there).
So... to quote Fox’s obsessed producers, “WAS IT A LOVE MATCH? HMMMM? HMMM? WAS IT?!?” I don’t know. The whole experience was so much more like being in a play than like being on a date that it’s hard to tell where reality TV Brianna stops and reality life Brianna begins. So – I would certainly go out with Bret without any cameras around to find out if we’re real life compatible – and if we are I intend to get Fox to pay for our wedding. Bret, I know you subscribed to my blog, say hi to the folks in the comments and give me a call.
Even if there isn’t a date #2 (though one could argue that hanging out on tv this morning was technically a date #2) I feel I spent my 15 minutes wisely – I looked cute, I didn't try to convert people to some crazy cult and I kept my underwear on which is much more than most real celebrities seem capable of.
Update: Date footage from YouTube where they let you fast forward straight to the hot Brianna action (Thanks Adam!). I'm going to try to pull the full segment complete with interview from my tivo tonight... wish me luck.
Third Party Resources
Looking through all the New York singles to find love is not nearly as easy as it looks. After looking through all the dating sites and going on dozens of blind dates, hopefully you can find at least one person like you.
The most ominous request for blog fodder resulting from my plea for reader suggestions was the recommendation that I give everyone an update on the latest low brow MTV offering, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.” For those of you still pretending that you’re too highfalutin to even know what I’m talking about Shot’O’Love is a reality TV program where Tila Tequila, aka the girl with the most friends on MySpace (I am not kidding), announces that she’s a bisexual and makes lesbians and straight men compete for her, “love.”
Ok, I admit that I was already tivoing this program before my friend Eileen requested that I write about it. I managed to watch episode one even though Tila’s “sexy” voice is disturbingly baby like and her clothing choices so questionable as to require me to repeatedly pause and review in slow-mo. When episode two showed up on my Now Playing list I buckled in for some bisexual loving but after 5 minutes I wasn’t able to continue. I hit the stop button and deleted the episode. Keep in mind that I regularly watch I Love New York 2, Beauty and the Geek and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Squad. I thought I had no standards but it turns out my limit is somewhere right above a fame whore slut pretending she’s into chicks for the sake of a TV show. I deleted the next episode after only 5 minutes of viewing (and likely began watching something of much higher quality, probably an episode of the Real World: Sydney). But because I love Eileen and because I am already in dire need of new writing ideas after only 5 days of Nablopomo I recorded episode 3 and now present the high and low lights for your amusement.
Nine Reasons Why Everyone at MTV Should be Charged with Ruining Society
As the episode opens Tila is wearing what appears to be a sweatshirt with long bell sleeves that has been chopped off just below her boobs and one of the guys is wearing a shirt that says “Vagatarian”. Classy.
One of the guys on the show will not shut up about how he normally sleeps on a couch at his mom’s house so being on a reality TV show is totally a step up. When asked how he likes his new bedroom (including one huge bed that is to be shared with all other contestants) Mama’s Boy replies, “I love it, I haven’t been in a bedroom in a while.” After kissing Tila for the first time he yells, “I live with my mom, and I sleep on her couch and I ride a bicycle to work!” I fear this is a foreshadowing of reality TV to come – give it 3 more months and all of the actor wannabes in Hollywood will have had their 15 minutes and MTV will be down to homeless guys. (“Welcome to this week’s episode of Bum Lovin’ with Crazy Dave!”).
Since this show is set in some sort of super sluty junior high they play a game of truth or dare.
Dare #1: some guy has to deep throat a bottle. MTV apparently decided that this hot bottle action was too much for the viewing public so they don’t actually show it on camera but everyone acts super impressed.
Dare #2: Vagatarian is challenged to turn one of the girls on – he chooses to rub his balls on her face cause girls (especially lesbians) love that.
For some reason this show is all about the straight guys proving how not gay they are. Being on a show with lesbians seems to have them convinced that their sexuality is being called into question. As part of a dare Mama’s Boy has to try on some chick’s lingerie – some other guy claims that he is SO STRAIGHT that just seeing a guy in lingerie made him throw up a little bit in his mouth. Personally I don’t have time to get around to questioning their sexuality as I am too busy questioning their sanity.
Apparently the “right reason” to be here is “Tila.” I would have gone with “dodging the draft” or “serving an unconventional sentence for gay bashing” or “got lost on the way to a drug treatment center”
Appalachian Mountain Man on his excitement over the “country fair” that the show had set up in their backyard “When I was like 3 I used to spray the poop off the elephants, the carney’s would get me to do it so [the fair] brought back some good childhood memories.” (Note: the “country fair” seriously sucked and did not appear to include elephants, or ponies, or rides of any kind – but the one way that it totally out did your standard fair was the distinct lack of poop. Small favors.).
Vagatarian tattles on the lesbian/straight guy fooling around that happened in the massive shared bed while everyone else was sleeping and Tila makes him show what he saw on a giant stuffed bear. The whole thing is very, “show me where the bad man touched you”
As part of the “country fair” facade they make all of the contestants participate in a pie eating contest – this is obviously a set up for cunnilingus jokes so here they are:
Tila announces the contest and yells, “lick that shit”
Tila spends the entire contest walking back and forth yelling, “Lick my pie!” over and over again.
This is not cunnilingus related but bares quoting, “I was literally eating pie and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up…” – random lesbian
The single butch lesbian on the show wins – this is unsurprising since I am convinced that she is the only person on the show who has ever used her tongue for anything other than saying stupid shit. Sadly no one pointed out that losing this contest seriously calls into question Italian guy's "Vagatarian" claims.
At the end of the contest one of the guys says, “The girls did better at the pie eating because they’re all about licking and sucking and I’m not about that at all.”
MTV has no issue with showing girls eating pie on TV even though they wouldn't let us see a guy deep throating a bottle -- I can't decide if this is a double standard.
The Vagatarian dude is this retarded Italian guy – here are some of the awesome things he said over the hour long (!! WTF? Seriously -- AN HOUR?!?!) program:
After getting a massive wedgie from one of the lezzies, “She pulled my underwear into my ass and I couldn’t feel my ass anymore because it was too much.”
On why he sometimes sleeps in underwear to, “contain his trouser snake:” “it gets too long and I have to keep it in a cage.”
On his inability to hit the bell on the strong man game at the “fair”, ““I couldn’t ring the bell, I don’t know what’s wrong with my arms – besides I don’t care about my arms, I care just about my under muscle there ”
There you have it – the best of MTV prime time. Eileen, I hope you're happy. Just writing this has me contemplating joining Focus on the Family based on my assumption that they are working very very hard to keep this crap off of my TV set.
