Game Rage

My Name is Brianna and it has been 7 days since I last shot a stream of expletives at my television screen and even less time since I last sat on the couch in full pout over the spilled milk of an unmastered video game level.

I like to think of myself as relatively level headed. I rarely yell at G even though he is constantly spitting loogies in the sink and/or not buying me presents. Even more impressively I have managed to not kill a single person despite 30 years of being surrounded by idiots. And yet video games which should be only inconsequential dalliances all too often leave me foaming at the mouth.

Last weekend G and I spent most of our time obsessively playing Little Big Planet the remaining few weekend hours were spent on whining. I'm embarrassed to admit that we got stuck on one of the earlier levels (the last one in the Day of the Dead theme). The first thing you need to understand is that this level was really hard. It has this stupid part where you have to jump from platform to platform over a sea of deadly noxious gas followed by more platforms hanging by bungee cords from the ceiling that you have to make bounce in perfect rhythm in order to catapult your sack person across more poisonous fog. Expecting any video game player to rely on rhythm is overtly cruel -- there is a reason I am sitting on the couch with a controller in my hand not out shaking it at the club. The second thing you need to understand is that I might wrap a bit too much of my ego up in video game performance.

I created this flow chart to explain the common progression from "This is SO FUN!" to "I accidentally threw the PlayStation down the stairs."

Step Off Ho

So it turns out my (ok, G's) Wii Fit is a huge bitch who may or may not be making a play for my man.

Exhibit A:



Now it is true that I have been.... less than strict with my diet and *ahem* work out plan (read: walking lots of places...) since oh, say... May. And it's also true that I have not hung out with Wii Fit since September but I still think the behavior that is being exhibited here is cruel in the extreme and I fear that soon the Wii will declare war. How far could we be from the following:

• Does Brii get up in the morning and make you coffee? A) Occasionally, B) No, she mostly lies in bed whining about me making coffee, C) Ha! She's too busy complainging that the coffee I make her isn't good enough, D) She doesn't let me have caffine, or happiness.
• Brii sure is a bitch about waking you up when you snore, do you think a perfect girlfriend would do that? (note: machine's don't need sleep and therefore would not even consider disturbing the slumber of their significant other): A) Probably not...., B) No, never, C) Real woman are turned on by a little manly snoring, D) Wii Fit, You're looking mighty sexy this morning
• My oh my, you're looking awfully handsome today, did Brii mention that? A) She says looks don't matter to her..., B) No, but she said my outfit choice was iiiiinteresting, that's good, right? C) She said something about me not looking enough like some dude named Riggins, C)Oh Wii Fit, your'e so sweet, let's run away together!
  

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk (Mine Says "Ow")

First the bad news: Once again Nintendo has failed to reliably stock its products in an amount even vaguely on par with demand. Now the good: This time I didn't have to personally commit to sleeping on the sidewalk or breaking and entering since I can just mooch off of my boyfriend's Wii Fit. I love relationships!

I was originally a little apprehensive about using the Fit primarily because I feared that the device would announce my weight each time I stepped on it (likely in a mocking tone while someone makes pig snort noises and/or moos in the background) and my weight is something I am only prepared to acknowledge once a week on Friday morning after a night of no liquids and a morning of peeing as much as I can. This is how I avoid going crazy over the theoretically insignificant fluctuations of a pound or two which might otherwise cause me to curl up into a little ball to watch an infinite loop of my imagined future 300lb self creating shock waves as she wobbles down the sidewalk. Luckily, the system allows you to easily skip the little step where you get weighed and have to spend years in therapy. Hallelujah.

Early on in the Wii Fit registration process (after cringing at your BMI but before you shed even one measly calorie) the game lets you pick a trainer. Your only choices are "girl trainer" or "boy trainer" which I thought would be highly disappointing -- how could the designers at Nintendo hope to create the dream trainer look for ever girl in the world with just one avatar? By making that avatar look exactly like my Olympics boyfriend Ryan Lochte, that's how! There is evidence that Ryan may be a bit of a douche (what is it with these swimmer dudes?) but as a trainer he's perfect. He constantly tells me how great my balance is, looks smoking hot (you know, for a digital representation of a hot dude) and encourages me by lying about how impressively strong my abs are. Still, a nice expansion to the standard Wii Ft might be a program that ups the trainer encouragement so that I can hear Ryan tell me over and over again how skinny and irresistible I am (a SUPER nice expansion might be him telling me exactly what he'd like to do with my well toned body...).

Though I'm sure I usually seem like a polite demure young thing I play video games the way my dad watches baseball. I jump off of the couch. I scream. I curse at the screen. Someday I will have kids who find Mommy a little scary when the console is on just as years ago Lil' Brianna felt like Daddy was replaced with an angry beast every time the Dodgers took the field. Save the joy of ogling Ryan it is fair to say that my first date with Wii Fit was a little rocky. It is possible that there was even more yelling than usual. The words "stupid fucking machine" may have been bandied about. My boyfriend, G, may have used the term hissy fit. I am, however, proud to say that I did not cry (G is likely proud to say that he did not laugh out loud at all of my pouting and thus avoided a fat lip/bloody nose/detachable penis). While I was able to stop the machine from announcing my weight to the entire room I could not stop it from picking up on how much I hate being bad at things. And lord was I bad at hitting soccer balls with my head, and running in place, and hula hooping. Especially hula hooping which I failed at despite wearing the national uniform of girls hula hooping on Wii Fit: panties and a tank top. I can only hope G has the self restraint to resist making me one more of the legions of girls swinging their scantily clad hips on youtube.

The Fit is a surprisingly good work out. At first most of the exercises (save the wailing and complaining) seemed unnaturally obsessed with my center of balance. Scoring for yoga, strength training and balance activities were calculated based on my ability to distribute my weight in a way that keeps a red dot in the correct area. The only sport that I can fairly claim even intermediate knowledge of is yoga and I was shocked to find that this method forced me to do the poses more accurately than I would have in a class or if I were to ever get off my lazy ass and do yoga on my own at home.

Due to the possibility that I might throw the wiimote at my boyfriend's head I eventually had to quit my workout in favor of brunch and dress shopping. An afternoon of stress-free bliss far away from obsessing over my center of gravity and Ryan tsk-tsking my uncontrolled attempts at slalom skiing was just what I needed to chill the fuck out and accept that Wii fit is only a game and no matter how often Ryan frowns at my pathetic attempts at athleticism I will not suddenly balloon to a size where TLC will make an hour long documentary about me trying to get out of bed in route to gobble down a 5lb bag of M&Ms (mmmm chocolate-y!). I rushed home to a gin and tonic and the most time devoted to hula hooping outside of 1958. I woke up early the next morning jonesing for some more hula action even though my lats were killing me(look at that! I just used a sporty sounding shortened name for a muscle group! I blame the Fit for that! Soon I'll be flexing in the mirror, willingly eating "goo" and telling everyone about how much I can bench).

Let's momentarily pretend that this real review of the game and not just me pontificating on my nerdy reaction to physical activity so that I might make some suggestions about how Wii Fit could be improved (you know, in addition to the brilliant Trainer Compliment Mode that I recommend above). Firstly, I know this has been mentioned all over the internet but I would really like it if the software included some sort of training routine. Moving from one exercise to another requires a lot of back and forth with the wiimote and the software which unnecessarily interrupts your workout. The need for a mode that walks you through a good 30mins of continuous exercise seems so obvious that I'm shocked that the smart folks down at Nintendo HQ failed to include this in the first release. Barring an update that allows me to work out without the wiimote ever present in my right hand I could use some sort of wiimote holster, in addition to freeing up my hands for balancing, grasping and wiping my brow this would also make a smashing addition to my panties and tank top work out look. A holster always adds that certain spark to an outfit -- I'm shocked we don't see more of them on the red carpet.

Be Careful What You Wish For OR Nintendo has Officially Won the War

I finally got a Wii last month thanks to the incredible awesomeness of my friend Joe who all but held a Target employee hostage in his quest to get me to shut the fuck up about wanting a Wii. It is entirely possible that this was a ploy to lay claim on my first born child which seems like an entirely fair trade especially since kids poop and cry and my Wii does neither of these things. Which is not to say that life with the Wii is a feces-less utopia.

Actually owning a Wii has done little to change my love/hate relationship with Nintendo, in fact the frequency and decibel levels of the cursing has only increased. You see, in addition to the fact that Wii sports thinks I'm 70 years old (I blame baseball, and my bad hip, and possible the difficulty of boxing in Depends) Mario Galaxy is an evil little turd of a game. Right now I have 3 open planets none of which start with a level that Mario and I have any hope of getting past. Sometimes I wonder if I really like video games at all since the majority of my play time is spent clenching my fists, foaming at the mouth and taking out my aggression on the relatively innocent pillows that clutter my couch. I very rarely want to punch or throw things in real life (choosing instead to brood silently and beat myself up for having any feelings at all) but put a controller in my had and some cartoon goofballs up on the screen and I'm a regular Wario on an invincibility star high.

Below I present a completely unbiased review of the levels that are currently making me doubt my princess saving prowess.

First up is the candy level where Mario is forced to jump to his doom or be shocked by some sort of electric fence over and over again until there are no more Mario lives left and I have no choice but to growl like some sort of rabid Bowser/Peach hybrid and then cheat by resetting the game without saving. This level pretty much sucks. I think we can all agree that with the possible exception of a love handle or a cavity (both of which are certainly outweighed by deliciousness) candy has been nothing but good to people so to misrepresent chocolate and gumdrops and the occasional river of corn syrup in this way seems especially cruel.

Next there is the surfing atop a stingray level that requires me to hold the controller steady which brings up some serious genetic questions about people in Japan because the American human arm was never meant to perform in this way which is why the actual game has Mario balancing on his FEET not on his ARM. (which is not to suggest that I would be more able to pass this level if actual surfing were involved because I know from experience that were that the case I would only be more likely to end up as a broken body washed up on the shores of Marioland only to be calously picked on by every passing goomba and koopa, my lifeless body unable to fight back with even a little jump or spin). This level pretty much sucks. I hope the CIA is researching and planning for the superhuman arm balancing abilities of the Japanese (not to mention their apparent alliance with the stingray community) because I fear for the future of our nation.

The last open level of torment is the switch level which on its surface seems like it should be easy but in reality this level pretty much sucks. The idea is for Mario to run around until he's touched every square on the planet and as long as you can avoid the roaming open electrical currents (a constant plague in this game making me wish for a few electrical shock resistant pikmin to neutralize things) it's an easy win. Of course this is a ruse as actually avoiding being shocked to death is impossible.

I am embarrassed to admit this but in an effort to get images for this post I looked at a game walk through and I am not even 1/7th of the way through this torture. There is pretty much no way I'm not going to end up with an ulcer and a sofa full of fist shaped holes.

In Case You're Wondering I Still Don't Own a Wii

Dear Nintendo,

Hi, How’s it going? I’m taking time to write to you today because I am a huge fan of your work, especially the work that involves a certain impish little plumber and also pretty much everything else. I have plenty of time to devote to writing this little piece of fandom because it’s not like I have any video games to play at home since apparently you have to be some sort of Svengali to acquire your latest technology despite the fact that “latest” in this context means “released over a year ago.” I realize that you may have initially chosen to under-manufacture your product in an effort to drive up demand and I respect your attempts to fiddle with the cogs of capitalism in this way but I am now wondering if the “increased demand leads to increased supply” principal has made if over the Pacific to Japan. It is time to solve this problem because seriously every time I so much as start talking about it with someone I get so angry that I consider punching things and normally when I need to do some punching I turn to video games but obviously that is not an option.

When the main routes to obtaining your product involve a sleeping bag and intimate contact between NYC sidewalks and my head or winning some sort of ill conceived radio contest which may or may not result in the death of most of your customer base I think it is clear that you have a project management problem. Luckily, I can help. You see I am naturally suited to organizing things and nagging people and, in emergency situations, bribery. Below I’ve detailed how things would go if you hired me to manage manufacturing and distribution of the Wii. You’ll notice that this plan ends with you making money which, I am assuming is a goal for your company. You may not be aware of this but typically you make more money if you sell your product to people as opposed to your current system which seems to consist of me waving money in your direction and you turning your nose up like you smelled a particularly bad fart.

1. You give me a Wii and set of all available games, controllers and do-dads so that I can be properly informed about the product that I now manage. I will probably need roughly a month of uninterrupted product research to complete this initial stage in my master plan.
2. You start making more Wiis. Way more then the estimated 13 daily that you now produce apparently by a team of highly trained snow leopards who build them by hand (paw?). Choosing an endangered species to construct your console, while certainly an innovative way too maintain product secrets, was probably your biggest business blunder. I would institute an assembly line based factory where humans operate huge machines capable of producing at least 300 units a day (probably more).
3. You ship the Wiis to stores. Specifically stores that intend to sell the product to consumers. I would recommend stores that sell other electronics and gaming products. Stocking Wiis at funeral parlors and grocery stores would be a lower priority but ultimately a long term goal.
4. Build pool, fill with gold coins, get naked, go swimming.

I hate to toot my own horn but I have to say that this is a rather brilliant plan and that my services are an awesome deal since I will consider being paid in games and sushi (both of which I’m pretty sure you already have lying around but if, by chance, there is some sort of games and/or sushi availability problem I think I’m up to the task of solving that one for you as well). Anyway, let me know soon if you’re interested or if you’d rather just continue disappointing fans until everyone ditches you for Playstation even though their product is both more expensive and more sucky.

Brianna

Wii-diculous

As a good little Nintendo fangirl I’ve wanted a Wii for almost a year now but I’ve been self-righteously refusing to camp out on street corners, scour the black market or break into the houses of people willing to do such things and so have remained wii-less. While laziness played a part in my resistance I was also denying myself access to sweet Nintendo action as protest of the ridiculously bad system currently in place for procuring the white box of awesomeness. I’m going to assume that most of my readers are not on the cutting edge of video game platform procurement so let me catch you up on the “getting a Wii” process.

1. Think to yourself “Self, Super Mario Galaxy comes out in a month and you love Mario so much that you sometimes get a little giddy when your sink clogs. You should order a Wii, surely those silly shortages have been solved by now, after all, the product has been out for a year!”
2. Visit all online retailers only to be greeting with a myriad of creatively designed “sold out” images (empty wooden pallet, empty box, cruel mocking sad face, etc).
3. Curse your stupidity for listening to that stupid “self” person, she is never right!
4. Subscribe to multiple Wii search tools all of which kindly inform you on a regular basis that you are SOL.
   
5. Consider getting up extra early on Wednesday to visit the Nintendo World store on the rumor that they receive new stock first thing Wednesday mornings.
6. Whine on your blog

One of the charming quirks that I’ve developed through working in software for 7.5 years is the tendency to constantly note the poor UI design of life. For those of you who have thought “hmmm the designer of this life? AWESOMELY INTELLIGENT.” I present the following list of life features that have some serious bugs.

1. Babies
2. Traffic
3. My hair
4. Dating
5. Shopping for a Wii

Thankfully some of these glitches can be fixed without the help of a higher power and I encourage the rest of you to get on that shit – I don’t have to act because I am super busy fixing all of your damn software (and I offer one big special in advance thank you bug fix to whoever fixes dating cause that system is CRAP). Thank me in the comments.

But back to Nintendo. In 2007 people should not have to hunt down products a year after they’re released. It is Nintendo’s job to provide me with an easy way to buy their products. It is my job to give them money. (see: capitalism). I believe they also have this crazy system in Japan so the distribution department over at Nintendo has no excuse for sitting around eating fish flavored ice cream and reading disturbing comic books involving panty-less preteens and giant sea creatures while store shelves idle on empty. Of course there is one other possible group of people to stereotypically assign blame to. I’m sure that by now (after reading “Wii” a dozen time) you’ve noticed that “Wii” is the same thing as “WII” which stands for World War Two which caused a lot of shortages which lead to rationing of goods. And now I can’t get a Wii. Coincidence? Impossible. I think we may be able to officially blame the Nazi’s for this bullshit.

Game Anticipation

The holiday season hasn’t brought many new DS releases worth coveting. I’m probably going to buy Yoshi’s Island or Gunpey for the plane trip home but I can't say I’m very excited about either option. Poking around the rumor mill I did find a couple of in production games that I cannot wait for

Black and White Creatures

I'm so happy to see this game headed for my little white bundle of joy. I was impressed with the first PC installment to the point of obsession and it seems like a great fit for the DS (game can be played in short installments; game doesn’t really require huge displays of graphical power…).

Unsolicited advice: Black and White had two key game design problems that caused me to quit the game at level 3 (of 4):

1. Casting spells was a pain in the ass because you had to learn to move the mouse in a designated pattern to “draw” cryptic symbols – performing magic should be challenging but it should not result in carpel tunnel.

2. Training the creature was boring and time consuming and seemed relatively unimportant in levels 1 and 2 – then I hit level 3 and suddenly couldn’t function. Frankly, I couldn’t have done without the creature entirely.

The stylus should be a huge improvement on the mouse when it comes to casting spells so I’m convinced that hurdle has probably been jumped but someone over at Lion better be improving the creature training model. Either make it fun (yes, fun – it is a GAME after all, not my job) or make it optional (The fact that the game is called "Black & White Creatures doesn't seem very promising).

Chibi Robo Park Patrol

Cutesy and very Japanese Chibi Robo was my second favorite Game Cube game of 06 (no one could beat out Mario Tennis) and I’m super excited to see it coming to the DS. I think the outdoor element has the potential to introduce some interesting new environment challenges and playing gardener beats maid most days. The screen shots also imply that the game designers have played around with different input options for the touch screen which I'm intregued by.

Unsolicited Advice: Chibi Robo gets a bit repetitive – in order to get happy points I had to scrub the floor obsessively and after a while it felt like a job, in the DS version I’d like a little more fun (there’s that word again) and a little less drudgery.

Wishing and Hoping

Could someone please start working on DS versions of the following?

Pikmin

Please?!? It’s already a Nintendo franchise and I fantasize about flicking pikmin at enemies using the stylus.

Katamari

This could be a challenge since Katamari’s soul may be owned by Sony but the stylus could offer lots of new rolling potential and bouncing from screen to screen sounds like so much fun (hey, it worked for Sonic Rush).

Taiko Drum Master

I think Ouendan (aka Elite Beat Agents only better) proved that the DS is a great medium for rhythm based games and in my opinion drum master beats guitar hero.